Lost in Faith

South Africa
Abject Poverty and Hope

Abject poverty and hope were two words that I had heard Roy say many times in describing his trips to South Africa. So when I went, that’s what I expected to find for the people living in Bhukwini. Instead what I found were those words describing my own heart.

At our first meeting, Schaun had given us journals, mission journals to track our trip. I had diligently done these before the trip. I felt God calling me to an other-centeredness, to a servant-hood, that was different than the life I have lived. Every day was a plea to be different. One day I wrote, “Dear God, You know I struggle with putting others first. I scrape and claw, as if I have to, but I don’t. Let me be different this trip. Help me to be more like You.” Or another time I wrote, “You are calling me to love others. You have not left me where I was, but You have been chiseling at my hard heart. Help me to surrender to all that You want me to. I desire to keep my defenses down. Give me Your eyes, God. Help me to become more like You.” Over and over again, the call to love and serve others and on the day we left I wrote, “Dear God, all this week I’ve desired to be Your servant. I’ve desired to love others. It’s hard this morning. I’m stressed about heavy luggage and the tears in my daughter’s eyes. I can’t control this, but You can. Help me to release these things and give them to You. Help me to be Your servant. Amen.”

In all of this, I just wanted God to change me. I wanted to get on the plane and be a different person for the people in South Africa and the people I was traveling with. But the reality is that God is rarely about just doing the changing. Usually, He desires us to participate in this. On this trip, I think He wanted to show me my own brokenness, the abject poverty that resides in my own heart, when I don’t put Him first. Here are a couple examples from journal entries on the trip:

“I found myself image managing today, big time! I haven’t talked about being a Chem E this much in years. I also told of my plan to serve others. I should have just served in secret. It just makes me sad. Which all goes to show I can be outside myself for what? One minute?? But when meeting new people – how ugly I can be.”

“My heart did not break as I drove by villages, shanty towns, people. I saw sights that I did not allow to touch me. I’ve been all about documenting but not allowing myself to touch or be touched. I saw tears from Dave V. about the numbers of people. I don’t have those emotions, I have pictures in my camera. I have been relying on myself to make a good impression on the kids from Oceans of Mercy. I am not capable. I am awkward and I don’t do well in conversations. How am I supposed to carry conversations on tomorrow? I won’t if I rely on myself. I pray that you break my heart, that I be soft and dependent. I studied servanthood for many days prior to this trip and how I have failed. I journaled on love, but have not loved well. Move me God to become like You, to have Your eyes not the eyes of a tourist of a photographer or a journalist. Give me the eyes of a sister seeing older and younger brothers and sisters who I can touch and You can make a difference in – NOT me, God, but You!”

“Heavenly Father, I wake up this morning and I feel convicted. Convicted of how it’s been all about me. I would love to have an excuse, but the reality is that it’s who I am. It’s been this way for most of the trip. I play a token role as a servant, but the reality is that it’s all about me inside. How am I going to look? Father, this is not the exception. This is how I live my life. You would think on a trip such as this, I would be able to let things go. But I can’t. I need the redeeming power of Your Holy Spirit to take hold of me.”

And the entries go on. During the trip and afterwards, I have really struggled. I had some very touching moments, some that I have shared. Some amazing things happened in South Africa. The reality though, is that it was still so much about me. But the remarkable thing about it, is in the midst of this brokenness is also the existence of grace and of hope. In the midst of all the realization of my self centeredness is this entry which I wrote while in South Africa.

“This trip made me recognize how I “have it all.” How couldn’t it? The foods I like and more than I could consume of them. Clothes with no holes that are the colors and styles I like. A big warm house with many rooms and air conditioning for the summer. And even more importantly a family who loves and supports me. I sit here in this beautiful place and listen to the birds. But the catch is that if I trust in any of this, I am farther from God than anyone in Bhukwini. It is nothing that I deserved, it is all a gift. Mama Gladys in her life is kingdom bound. And who would wonder, she has lived an incredibly hard life, but has chosen to forgive and has given her life for others. But despite how spoiled I am, God still makes a way for me. He wants me there just as much as He wants Mama Gladys. He loves me like the orphans, despite my selfishness and self centeredness, despite the fact that my curriculum didn’t work like I thought it would. He loves this spoiled brat child of His who is always saying, ‘Look at me’, begging for attention but not from Him, from people. I am the elder son who is trying to do the right things to earn His way, trying to make a difference in Bhukwini to earn my way to Him. But yet, oh Father, Daddy, You love me. In Your economy, I have no right to Kingdom Glory, with all I’ve had in this life, I don’t deserve it. But bottom line, You want me home as much as You want anyone else. But You do want me to look to You, more than You want me to look anywhere else. The pressure is off. I want to come home, just as I am. Thank You God for your grace.”

God has used this trip to take me on an internal journey, to show me His purpose for me instead of my purpose for me, and mainly to show how His grace is big enough to cover all my issues. And that is what gives me hope.